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Jumat, 20 Januari 2017

WHY DO I START TO DISLIKE HER? (AN ENCOUNTER WITH ANOTHER ISFP)

There is this personality test developed by Myers-Briggs which classified people into 16 personalities. I am an ISFP. Oh, do check it out and try the test and find out. I find that roughly about 75% of the (ISFP) description hits the bull’s eye. Here’s a story and my say about my encounter with another ISFP person, a friend of mine. Let’s start with: both of us are fiercely independent and stubborn.  


I mean, can I be close to somebody, without then finally find their weakness and ill-suited with me, their being unable/unwilling to fulfill my expectations, subsequently I start disliking/hating them, focusing on the negative side (while choosing to disregard positive sides and good memory), then losing interest to the point of ‘okay, I don’t give a fuck no more’ and eventually taking distance from them to the extreme of elaborately eliminating them from my book of life? This, my friend, is what I’ve been very capable of doing.

Though she’s an ISFP as well, her “adventure” turns out to be the love/sensual type, while me with other type of adventure as mobility and refusing commitment and routines. But that’s okay, isn’t it? Okay to be different and okay to be in love adventure. ISFP needs to be accepted for who they are. Meaning, why can’t she have things her way while I can have things my own way? Oh wait, it’s a point I adopted just recently.

The standpoint from the start is: she knows her place, recognizes her class, picks and builds her own habits, opts for her preferences on things/events/people, choices and (maybe) their consequences. I found her place to be exclusive (if not picky); her class higher than mine (the okay-to-be-dirty and down-to-earth kind); her many habits not healthy, complicating her life and not bringing her into a better person; her many preferences superficial, trivial and traditional; and she made choices that I take as disadvantaging for her in the long run and may consequently hurt other people who don’t deserve to get hurt in the first place (this specifically has to do with her love adventure with those wrong men, that’s right, married men, and other men who are simply vampires or parasites).

All these I concluded (at least from bits of information I picked out about her) from her being brought up in a rich, well-ordered traditional military family whom lived in a known high-class area in a big city. What’s more, the fact that she has pretty face, fair skin, is active listener and easy-to-laugh at other people’s jokes wins their (men’s) hearts. She could easily amuse those lonely and lost people. And I tell you, there are a whole lot of them out there. She does take enjoyment from people (men) being attracted to her, included the wrong persons (men). But then again: so what? (Am I being envious, protective, a wise ass or what?)  

What she does is she has all along left me alone with my preferences and my life. She never probed my past, my true identity, my life-story unless I open up myself (without being asked). I don’t either. I mean the probing thing. But the problem begins when we start to get close then I give a damn care about her (blah… same old story). I occasionally tease, tug and nag her, hint or demand her to change (for her own sake), intrude some of her privacy, and use her stuff (often without asking for her permission in advance, only afterwards, if I care to remember). And I just found out that she’s actually a bit possessive on her own stuff, mostly the cleanliness of things and that they’re in order. Even when I said many times that she could use my stuff and was okay for her to give me notice after use (or no notice, I don’t really care), she still chooses not to (use my stuff) if she can help it. It’s quite a slow process until I finally absorbed her subtle hints which if conveyed in a straightforward way would be: have it your own way with your life (stuff) and I will have it my own way with my life (stuff). And there are other occasions other than stuff-related matter. Uh, okay. I can do that. I can be so damn good at it if I want to.

It is said that ISFP type of person should be left on their own with their freedom if you want to keep your relationship with them. Then I should leave her with her freedom as she does me, provided we both mutually intend to remain related. The hard-to-bite piece is: when I care, I, in certain degree, interfere. This same ‘mistake’ I’ve been doing time and time again to those whom are dear to me. And who doesn’t, I dare you? Those whom I don’t care about (anymore), I don’t give a fuck (anymore).

But let’s just be fairly two-sided and reverse it for a while. Suppose people who care about me keep tugging and nagging at me to change (in the way they think necessary). Bah! Of course I refuse! I always rebel against those who say they care about me. You see, I want lots and lots of personal space and freedom. Leave me fuckin' alone! I’ve been independent and I’ve been smoothly okay with that. I’d say my life was fine before you came bossing me around. Oh yeah, some people tried and successfully manipulated me and I made sure they were the hell out of my life. Advices and critics? Oh yeah well again, they never got through, especially the ill-spoken, immature and biting. Even when I missed or am proved wrong, I don’t regret. Naaah, that’s just not me. I take the consequences and then I just move on with my life. If there are people who give up on me and they end up leaving me, sooner or later I would be okay with that, too. Am I too smug? Maybe. If there are consequences to that, I’d swallow them whole and then spit the remaining taste out and walk on by.

Now imagine if I should meet this another-me person, my full or partial mirror, what would I do, knowing my own reaction should I be in their place, especially if I care about them? Will I brutally try to interfere, to never give up because I care and I want them to make it out alright? Would I soon hate them knowing they don’t care enough and then give up on them? Or would I just let them be, give them their spaces even though I can see what they do are wrong and completely lost?

I would take suggestions from very few: those whom I trust because they genuinely care, are honest and sincere; ones I respect because they have gone through a lot in life and came out as a humble yet wise winner; and ones that I believe are competent and professional in their fields of work; and sometimes those with special gifts because they can absurdly see things I can’t. But these suggestions, or even better, an offer of a point of view, have to be delivered in a well-spoken and gentle way. Because you see, I’m sensitive. Your words should better be well-thought and well-prepared beforehand. And it’s my life. It’s me who will walk the suggestions and thereby bear the consequences. But keep in mind that I would still mostly eventually handle things my own way anyway. This reminds me that in my deep-trouble times I didn’t turn to anyone to take the whole load. I took the whole load and others would lend hands for other bits and pieces.   

So I’ll come back to her, this another ISFP person. I realize that I begin to dislike her because she won’t take my interventions in these several forms: suggestions, tease-hints-tug-nag, critics and cynicism, sharing stuff and offers for help. I’m disappointed because she still flirts from time to time with her ex and old boyfriends (married men) which I think is wrong and should stop. I’m also put down, when I remind her, with her stubborn though joking remarks about keeping her old-unhealthy habits, despite her own words that she would like to change for the better.

But then again, at least I must remember my position by applying my own conditions: am I someone she trusts? Maybe not. She doesn’t trust people easily. Does she have enough respect towards me to accept my ‘interventions’? I’m not sure because I’m in a rather bad shape now as I clearly told her about it and she's seen it with her own eyes. Does she see me as competent and professional? I don’t think so. She doesn’t know what I do and I don’t want her or other people here to know. Does she think I’m specially gifted to impress her? Clearly not. I don’t have such gift. Are my suggestions and point of views are well-thought and well-prepared beforehand? I must admit they aren’t as I didn’t make enough effort. Plus, I wasn’t there in her deep-shit troubles. And again, in the end she does things her own way, rarely asks for help if she can help it. 

So now I think I must do the following (since we live so close by now): I should go easy with her. I mean, I will not offer (let alone force) suggestions or points of view or help, not when she doesn’t ask for them. Even if I think it’s wrong with the way she deals with her own affairs, she wouldn’t take it anyway. No, she doesn’t have enough trust or respect on me. I think. But when she does ask, I’d better be well-spoken and considerate to her. And of course, if possible, I will be there if she needs my help, as always in the past. I’m also considering in buying some stuff, ones I can afford, so she doesn’t have to share with me because she has her own way in handling her stuff. I should avoid sharing if I can. Because you know, sometimes I just don’t care enough. Those things of no importance; they’re just stuff. She puts high value in trivial and small stuff.     

Still, I must honestly say, I’m beginning to lose trust and respect on her, and I even care less and less about her. I must say I also lose interest in her life. I used to trust and care about her a lot, you know. So, if things should come to worst, I would be (as frequently) ready to lose her, leave her. I think I have my own old-stubborn reasons to start making distance with her in order to give her space and the fact that I’m losing all these motives. But I know, we will still help each other when asked, because we both are basically good persons who give help to others when we can. And sometimes, things do naturally get a bit better after a favor is done and shared.      

There’s an interesting saying I just picked from the internet. It says: “Sometimes you just have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.” There, I think this should be another new-year resolution for me. At least, until I get into a better shape. Pfffuuuhhh….


Ub-Gtg, January 20, 2017.



ISFP personality (the adventurer) – conclusion

Few personality types are as colorful and charming as ISFPs. Known for their kindness and artistic skills, ISFPs are great at finding exciting new things to explore and experience. ISFPs' creativity and down-to-earth attitude are invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth. Yet ISFPs can be easily tripped up in areas where their focus on practical matters is more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is finding (or keeping) a partner, reaching dazzling heights on the career ladder, or learning to plan ahead, ISFPs need to put in a conscious effort to develop their weaker traits and additional skills.



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